Journal catch-up! Kids are AWESOME!

 April 12, 2023

Eli is working on his monster book. I am grateful he is continuing to explore his artistic skills.  He sure gets discouraged easily!  I keep telling him that people have to grow into their talents with time and hard work.  Just today he drew five platypuses–I loved it!  Now we are watching a “snake quiet time” video.  What a crazy world we live in!  Eli also loves smashing carpenter bees–even making them into a bug soup for he and Liesl to eat.  (They never did try it, surprise, surprise.)  I am thoroughly loving our snuggling time together at night.  He is super observant and I love his use of words. As we were listening to the Tabernacle Choir on Temple Square, he turned to me with an expression of awe, “how do they blend so well?” 

Xai fell down, tripping over Piper’s foot while playing basketball.  He insists he is never going to play basketball again and is still nursing his hurts.  He told me today he may never use one of his arms again.  He valiantly strove to practice his piano in spite of the injury, brave man ;).  He has also been finishing up math work book after math work book–I think he has earned three boxes of cereal and four movies (longer ones get both).  It’s fun to see him devour them and figure them out. He is great at cooking pancakes and eggs for people and frequently will call out at meal times, taking orders. I really appreciate his obedience.  He’s one I can count on to really do what he is supposed to do, immediately after I ask it. It is amazing how great that feels. No wonder God says, “If ye love me, keep my commandments.”

Liesl is “doing a piano lesson” with Maia teaching her.  Maia gets paid a little and Liesl gets some patient, loving time with her big sister.  Liesl is getting more regimented in her ritualistic goodbyes, but I think she is less desperate with them.  It has definitely helped having her sleep in the same bed as me every night. I am hoping that this ten days with Quinn gone where the kiddos can sleep with me will be helpful in the long run for their security at night.  Both Liesl and Eli were babies during some of my more mentally strained early motherhood times–at least that’s what it feels like. Maybe not. I’ve never been a rockstar at night when it comes to being patient, but I do feel like I’m getting better.  Anyway, Liesl is enjoying learning how to read, was super happy to practice dribbling today at our family basketball time and is also doing well with her workbooks.  She is my little buddy and loves to spend time with me.  If there’s an option of going with me and either going with someone else or staying home, she almost always chooses me.  It is sweet!  Yesterday she cried a lot because she was missing Daddy.  We all miss him, but I know he is having a great time with Kelka and will enjoy Croatia. I will pray for good weather for them all!

Penelope is sleeping right now.  She is all about “mine!” right now, and so we have many “conversations” about how things are everybody’s or that we are going to share.  Go game: “Mine!” “No, everyone’s.”  Hummus: “Mine!” “No, we share. It’s for everyone.”  Markers, colored pencils, balls, Oma’s little stuffed wolf.  She is great at running and walking and it’s fun to watch her tiny little body move and climb.  She LOVES her little bed in the corner and will often go in of her own accord at night. I am grateful! She will even lie in there for a while before going to sleep. I kind of wish that I had done this with the other kiddos. It seems to create some great sleep patterns.  I don’t think she even awoke once last night!  She hates having her hair combed but it develops such a rat’s nest there’s really nothing to be done but to work through it.  She also got a little sliver on the tip of one of her baby fingers.  It was super sad and hard to get it out. I got Maia to pump her full of candy while I tried to work it out as gently as I could.  It kind of worked.   She and Liesl are keeping me in supply of fresh flowers, primarily dandelions and daffodils.  When she gets an injury or sore she says, “hurt!” and loves to get a kiss. I love the power of kisses.

Maia is growing so quickly.  She is a darling.  I appreciate how much she is trying to take a deep breath and come back from conflict. She is quick to say sorry too.  She did track for a short time and already got a first place on the 400 meter dash.  She did well with hurdles and her 4x400 medley.  We decided not to do it because it wasn’t very efficient or worth all the time and effort. It was a hard decision but I believe Piper and Havala feel peace. Maia took it very well and thought of other things that she could do instead.  It is fun to see her progress so much in different areas: music, dancing, math, writing (a story currently) and her art is fantastic!  She is making lots of great friends wherever she goes.  It’s fun that she calls herself “more outgoing” now. I’ve always felt she is pretty outgoing so I am glad for her feelings of self-confidence.

Havala is progressing well with her guitar.  She also wrote an incredible short story for her CC class called, “Brave.” I was really impressed with her organization of thought, beauty of story line and structure of her words.  She was looking for a picture for her biography and found that there were no recent pictures of her.  So sad!  So we are going to take some pictures of her today for it.  She is one of the main characters for their Mock Trial group, too, and excited/nervous for the trial in two weeks.  I wish I could be there but they scheduled it on a day when I have dress rehearsal for my other groups. She also got a job this summer where she will be teach an “art” class to youth for six weeks. She will be great! She is excited. It will take care of her expenses for CC, since she has to pay half. 

Lily is doing well in Australia.  She is really enjoying her fellow missionaries and the people in her area, even if it is hard to make contacts with people. She is such a gem! I love chatting with her.  She is also getting along really well with one of the young men she is serving with. While she is being super cautious about expressing her feelings, I am happy for her to have that feeling that can help her look forward even more to becoming a wife and mother. She does heart attacks for people’s houses, has fun games with the local community–members and friends alike–and has been told by her mission president’s wife that she is a good and hard-working missionary.   We miss her–just last night Havala was crying because she missed her. 

Hyrum is now officially in Denmark!  He seems super happy to be doing missionary work. He had a snowball fight in the hallways, enjoyed oreo ice cream pops, worked hard and rested well and even got to see Elder Uchtdorf. Super cool!

Drew is still in the polar north regions of Canada, enjoying “My Turn on Earth” on the long drives with his companions.  They love rocking out to “everybody wants to have a body!”  He’s loving enjoying his favorite companion so far for a second term.  My polar opposite children who are on polar opposites of the world–almost literally–are just doing their things!!

April 15, 2023

Interesting day…

I came across three empty tape rolls in the garbage can, a product of Liesl’s creative endeavors to make her multiple “books” made out of cardboard out of the burn-box with papers taped very well into the center of it.  I absolutely LOVE this creative stage.

We cleared out a HUGE segment of what I like to call DREAD BRIAR ROSE…multi-floral rose.  I now have battle scars all over my arms but WE EMERGED TRIUMPHANT.  We now have a huge section of creek cleared for the kiddos to wander in.

We went up to weed at my parent’s house and Liesl helped for a while and then started wandering around, doing her latest favorite project at Opama’s–gathering chives.  Then she dreamed up a surprise soup for dinner. I convinced her that her chives could go well in our family potato soup.  So the rest of us pretended like it was a surprise to the end….even I, who helped her make it.

But the crowning moment of the day had to have been when we were headed out to Opama’s with the soup. I turned around and saw a dead snake on my countertop.  Eli had found one earlier, put it into two testtubes filled with water and taped together.  Apparently his set-up wasn’t set up to endure little sister attention.  And then he brought it onto my kitchen food prep area.  Totally off the radar.  I had the unique opportunity to text my mom: “Snake’s out. Going to be late…”

So cool, right?

April 17, 2023

I am grateful that I get the chance to see and talk to my missionaries over video chat!  Even though the connection isn’t always the best, it is so great to see their faces, laugh and share together.

I am excited that Quinn is getting home tonight. It will be SO GREAT to have him home again.

I went running again this morning and this time ran more of the way back.  I am focusing on just showing up as a mark of my success and not worrying overmuch about my progress, but I AM super happy to see a little progress. I take Kujo more mornings and he seems to enjoy being able to explore sights and smells.  Today we stopped by Love when we got back–to say “hi”--and I made Kujo stay near her while she smelled him.  ALL over.  It was like his legs were the neighborhood dog news. It was hilarious.

Today during Drew’s video call, Penelope lost it outside.  She threw a tantrum for like 30-45 minutes because no one would drive her somewhere.  What a funny girl!  She really had a hard time calming down.  I’m so glad she’s sleeping now!

Maia, Xai, Liesl, Eli, Penelope and I made some pretty paper Easter Eggs today. It was fun to see their creativity.  We are going to put some “praising” stickers on the back and hang them up in their rooms as a reminder of what Easter is really about.

I am trying to remain calm about what we have coming up.  Deep breaths.  Pray.  Stay steady but not overwhelmed.  With about three hours of my Monday used to video call, I have to be patient with my at home generated efforts.  I am excited to hang some pictures in the laundry room.

We had a great reading time–lots of rubbing of feet, Havala rubbed my back…heaven.

April 21, 2023

I just walked into the GIRL’S room (now all the girls but Maia), and almost tripped over Penelope’s tower…made out of board books.  So indicative of our little girl: organization plus books.  At Opama’s yesterday, she put one block on each square tile of their fireplace support section of their flooring.  She also loves pulling out her books full of puzzles and “doing” them–they’re cheap puzzles challenging for an adult so you can imagine how far that gets her.  

A room full of toys and she rarely plays in it.  Typical of my children!

We went to go swimming yesterday at Strouds Run, but apparently it is the end of the semester and the beach and hillside were covered with partying college students, many of them scantily clad.  As we drove up our hearts sunk lower and lower.  As the majority of us discussed if we could make it work, Eli hid in the car.  “There are so many wearing that polka-dot thing!!  My heart hurts. I’m going to stay in the van if we stay here.  Can we please go?”  We left and found a wonderful river side beach area off of Highway 50–with just us!--to play in.   Writing about this now it reminds me of the scripture we read last night…and a little child shall lead them.  And “whosoever becometh as a little child.” It was amazing how much justification we were creating to stay there because we wanted to swim so much. Maybe that is also like the scripture from last night: “if they right hand, leg, eye offended thee, cut it out…it is better to go through life maimed, lame and blind than to go to hell.”  I guess it is better to not go swimming than to expose ourselves to so much.  I was grateful for how much integrity Elijah had to what was right and good.

Xai was hilarious to play Apples to Apples with yesterday!  He was such a great sport–as always–and only had one card in front of him, but he laughs and laughs!  He wants to play all of the potentially funny games lately.  One night I came home to a table FULL of games and Elijah and Xai ready to go at it. I think this afternoon is going to be a game day!

Maia is maturing so fast.  I see her taking a deep breath and really exercising maturity and control.  There is definitely some self-righteous older sibling attitude happening regularly, but she is really trying to temper it with self-control.  And seeking to reach out with love.  The other day, after talking to Aunt NIesha and Oma in a group chat, Maia was a little sad.  We had been on together and I recognized the deflation immediately after the phone call ended.  She told me then that her cousins have the life she dreams of…a room of her own (which she currently has), sports and activities.  I paused before rushing in where parents fear to tread and then gave her some space. I think she could also recognize that I was a little sad for her sorrow. I pointed out that I knew she missed her cousins.  But then I gently pointed out that she has the activities like her cousins–only our swimming lessons are done all summer on our own terms in the local swimming pool and lakes.  And her music lessons are happening at the local FVRC.  The only thing she doesnt’ have  that the cumulative Buchanan sister had was participation in gymnastics.  But I guess it is nice to feel that you have something for yourself. I wasn’t sure how to proceed and just left it with a hug and a gentle wish for her happiness and actually stayed quiet without whipping out my considerable mental arsenal of logic.  I could see her mulling over her feelings in her mind and later she came to me and said that she was actually really happy with her life overall and that she wasn’t sure what she was feeling earlier.  That was a super cool example of letting the Spirit guide and not forcing–especially against strong-willed kiddos! I’m going to have to remember that!  

I have really been working on my anger responses after President Nelson’s talk.  Anger is such an easy, “powerful” default for me, but I really appreciated his example and his words.  We watched a cartoon video about the cookies, where an old woman gets some cookies out of a vending machine, sits on a bench and then a youth next to her starts eating the cookies!!  Her cookies!  She angrily goes for the cookies one at a time while he also does the same.  When he reaches for the last one, she throws a huge fit.  He shrugs, breaks it in half and gives her half.  The AUDACITY!  She storms off angrily, plops down in the train she was waiting for and reaches into her purse to get her ticket out…and sees her full package of cookies.  She had been eating his all along.  She looks out the window as the train pulls away, the youth smiles and waves at her and then throws the empty cookie wrapper…his empty cookie wrapper in the garbage.  After a very focused discussion on who was justified in their reactions and what choices they made, we have been calling out our responses this week: “are you acting like the woman or the genial youth?” and “Who do you want to act like?”  It’s been pretty telling, especially for me!

Time to try and sneak in a run!  I’ve got to keep trying, keep showing up.  I want to be hiking with Penelope’s children someday!

St. Patrick's Day Morning

 By Xai

This morning I got out of bed and started getting dressed. 

Then Eli got up (I forgot how Eli and I got in a fight) well anyways Eli started chasing me.

 (sorry that I keep on forgetting but I forgot how Eli and I became friends again) so I was getting dressed when Eli started chasing me but anyways I was walking to my room when Mom asked" Do you want to help me update our job charts " I said "No I'm not wearing any green on.

 Mom forgot it was St. Patrick's Day so she jumped out of the chair super fast and ran into her room to change into green before Dad could pinch her.

 then Penelope woke and rushed into the living room (I think she thought that we were watching TV .such a cutie). At breakfast time Eli and I made green pancakes and boy were they good.

 

  

Sharpies, Thanksgiving visitors and the Dead Piper Monster

 This morning I looked up from where I had been praying next to the side of the tub and saw a Sharpie lying innocently in the tub, scattered among the other bath play toys. Yikes!  So truthfully, accessibly placed and terrifying all at the same time.

*****

Piper was chasing the kids amuck last night, and they LOVED it.  She confided in me that the monster liked to sleep a LOT, and during one such restful period the little minions decided to test to see if she was dead with various methods and amusing conversations, such as sticking their fingers in their ears, jumping on her, "I think she's dead," "No, she isn't!" and other such fun statements.

*****

We have Tova and Ben visiting which means LOTS of amazing food (Ben has quite the knack for delicious food), a LOT of laughing (Tova is still quite the lovingly joyful tease) and LOTS of games, which I love!  At one point, I heard that Quinn, Tova, Piper, Maia and Xai were playing "Imagine If" and Quinn went to use the restroom.  When he left, he was ahead.  When he got back, he was behind.  Hmmm...  Ben and Hyrum joined Mark, Oma and Opa and I in playing a table full game of Siedler (Settlers of Catan) which lasted about two hours.  They let me win, since I was the last person to play, we had great rolls the last round and they do free sharing at the end.  I think that was a bad idea because it gave me like 7 points and for anyone who's played Siedler, that is a crazy amount in one turn.  

We also played "Among Us" for like three hours last night, which is super fun with 8 people.  I think the Imposters won most of the time, and a couple times that was Liesl or Eli.  So fun! I think I got killed regularly because I would be focusing on my tasks and would decide to just hope that the person coming in the room was not a killer.  And they were.  Such fun memories!  Not nearly as fun as Tetris, but Among Us is becoming the second online/screen game that is palatable.

*****

Mark is also with us, which everyone LOVES!!  He is supremely the universely cherished "Markie"...which I find so fascinating because we really don't see him very often!  But from the youngest to the oldest, there is just a special halo around that good man that truly makes him special.  Can't see why some woman has not seen that halo and sought it out, but that brother of mine has a loving heart the size of the universe.

Last night, he played soccer for an hour with Eli.  He sat with Liesl on the couch during a movie, both happily side by side.  I love that Penelope will already come running up to him with delight whenever he enters the room, although that is also because he tends to come over with Oma, who also gets this reception. I am grateful that they have taken the time and energy to make themselves such a part of my kids' lives, which I know isn't practical for many of our beloved extended family.  Distances are hard and waiting for heaven or that spaced out visit can sometimes be long, but it is what it is, right?

*****

We are all looking forward to a dry and balmy 58 degree Thanksgiving morning for football!  We are making pies today and bookmarks, maybe...but just enjoying the day!  Quinn, bless his heart, has two more appraisals to work up, but then he should be free for the weekend. I am missing my two missionaries and Kelka (as we lovingly call his family in Hungary) but am grateful for those who ARE here.

Time to go jog with Maia and the dogs!  Huzzah!

Journal: prayers, papers and pets

Here it is, my journal for today unabridged...peruse at your peril.

September 27, 2022

I just listened to how Moroni went back to the capital of the Nephites and reestablished peace. I think it was interesting how many more people joined his cause that were not out fighting in the field…willing to stand up in their homeland when the threat was more personally imminent.  And how it was probably good that they were there?

I am trying to think about what I should learn from this message.  Oh!  There was a part where they talked about how all the afflictions that they had endured softened some people and hardened others. I think my heart has been hardening. I need to consider this.  Also, the account mentions how Teancum had had a hard life, experiencing much affliction, but he was still a fighter. He was outraged at the evil and wrongdoings around him and took action, even giving up his life.  Am I still a fighter, I wonder?  Regardless, everyone has hard things they are going through and we have a choice to make.

Yesterday was a sweet day.  I loved doing things with the kiddos.  I love watching Elijah take Penelope out onto the tramp when she beckons him.

I am honestly not excited for Penelope to talk, loving her little bird sounds right now and expressive non-verbal communication.  There is something gained and something lost when a baby starts talking, a bitter-sweet moment–literally.  I love my baby, even if she does wake me up at 4 am almost on the nose every morning.  This morning, I was just giving myself five minutes to fall asleep at 4:17 am (or get up and do something rather than run circles in my brain) when guess who decided she was WIDE awake at 4:20 am???? Yep, Sweet Pea.  Ahhhhhh….she was pretty much awake and somehow mindful of the fact that I was going to make a break for it, so when I finally got up at 4:57 am she protested. 

Quinn rolled over and snuggled with her, sweet daddy, while I went to the bathroom to just take on the day. 

I think my heart is trying to harden to shut out the pain. I don’t get why I feel so much pain. My logical side is warring with my emotional side and thinking this is all G-A-R-B-A-G-E. I mean, is my inner angst really due to losing Isaak almost 20 years ago? My therapist seems to think so.  I wonder if it’s just my crazy, unrealistic expectations, demanding perfection from the beautifully imperfect people around me who, like Pahoran in the case of Moroni’s misplaced anger, was fighting his own battle. I just want to get rid of it!!! 

F-O-C-U-S. I’ve been trying to pray for wisdom, to see things from God’s perspective, for weeks since the missionaries gave that inspired lesson on wisdom. (Missionaries, never doubt the power of an inspired message, even if you never see the fruits.)

Back to my awesome day: Maia, the creative genius, designed a new FHE chart, which is BEAUTIFUL.  She also enjoyed watching Sing II as her reward for her piano practicing, inviting Havala to do it with her.  She sang “Could Have Been Me” from Sing II for our family talent show on Monday night and did such a great job! I was going to use the modern phrase “killed it” but I can see that not having the same meaning two weeks down the road and having posterity see it as a mother totally “dissing” her daughter. (Lol…”degrading.”)

Penelope is in the oh,so fun stage of taking off and putting on clothes…conveniently accessible from the piles she is continuously redistributing throughout the house.  Unfortunately she took it to a new level yesterday when she came out without her diaper as well!!! Yikes.  I remember having to use duct tape with Lily and Liesl at this phase. Hopefully not!  Some of the boys needed it to, but I really remember those two!  Lily would take off down the street with nothing on but her skin in Kaysville and I still remember us considering if we needed to install deadbolts on all the doors for Liesl in Medina.  At least if she wanders and pees around here, I don’t think the guinea fowl nor chickens will look askance.

Speaking of Liesl, last night she tried a new tactic.  She wanted me to stay in bed with her until she fell asleep. I wasn’t even considering it because for the 45 minutes I did lay next to her in her bed, she did nothing but climb all over and tell me how stupid I was…or maybe that last part was from earlier in the day or another night; but she was climbing around and being insolent.  Well, because she is SOOOOOO cute, I told her, “I am not going to stay here in bed with you but I will say a prayer with you!”  Following the pattern initiated by Eli, she asked me, “Could you say a prayer first?”  I decided to follow the model of her recent prayers.

“Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you for this lovely day.

Thank you for this beautiful day.

Thank you for this wonderful day.

In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.”

Heartfelt, I assure you, but maybe a little to the point.

Well, Liesl–rather than do her usual prayer which followed the basic outline I just used–decided it was time to warm up for the day when she might be invited to give a prayer at General Conference.

Either that, or she was setting the record previously established by Xai for the longest prayer ever.

Whichever one it was, the length of her prayer was very impressive.  I think she was thinking that somehow by keeping me there longer, she would get her wish of me staying there until she fell asleep. 

I think she realized towards the end–despite all the yawning–that she was NOT going to fall asleep while praying. (She hasn’t learned that particular talent from her mother yet.)

Elijah’s was blessedly shorter because a short while into Liesl’s prayer, Penelope had decided that it was time for her mother to play the “dress-up the baby game” and was throwing a screaming fit on the floor the entire time. (That could have also explained to a degree why Liesl wasn’t putting herself to sleep during her prayer.)

NOTE: I never enjoyed dressing up baby dolls when I was a girl, to my knowledge and my mother’s assertation.  I did pop the heads off of my friend’s Barbie dolls and was never asked to play Barbie’s with her again.

NOTE #2: Whenever I accidentally leave the “g” off of “putting” as I am typing (which I have done several times this morning), the computer auto-corrects to “putin.”  I was intrigued that this might be a word and….nope. It isn’t. It is just the name of the current Russian president.  Even in the online Webster dictionary, it just lists it as “Putin, Russian leader.” I think it is interesting that my computer is autocorrecting to that name…the Russians are taking over Grammerly!!!!

Xai is having fun playing the piano and doing quite well.  He likes to make up his own songs.  He also loves to hold my hand during prayers, which I love. I will hear the pattering of running feet during the prayer and then feel his slim fingers on my hand.  He also still is dealing with allergies. Between him and his boogers and Elijah and Liesl and their urine, it is providing nice grounds for sympathy for inherent weaknesses.  God truly knows what He is doing!

Yesterday I decided to use up the remaining veggies from a friend and threw them into a stir-fry: eggplant, peppers, broccoli, onions.  It was way too salty (I am used to the low-sodium soy sauce and had seasoned with salt as well), but the rice helped balance it out and honestly, it tasted like what you get at the restaurants, which tend toward the salty. Other than that, it was good.  I am still trying to provide a variety of foods to improve the gut health of my family, which I read helps to prevent/heal gastrointestinal problems like milk and gluten sensitivities. I’m game!  Maybe that’s the secret benefit of egg plant!

Quinn and the kids Maia and older are trying to go to the BYU football game in Virginia on October 22.  I am super happy for them!  I am also going to try and take the kiddos on a temple trip Friday, October 8…just a drive down and back adventure.  Piper was ecstatic at the idea of all that drive time for her driving record!  She is doing pretty well, but can be a little like Drew at times (lol, Drew!!).  I think I am going to ask Quinn to primarily teach the next ones how to drive because it is NOT getting easier!

Havala did a great job singing and playing the piano at the talent show and is loving her CC class.  She is SUPER looking forward to her birthday, a week from tomorrow, too! Oh!  Yesterday, she went up to Opama’s to help fold up our tent that was forgotten up there.  Apparently, a family of mice decided it would make a nice home because now our nice tent has a lot of mice-gnawed holes in it.  Quinn played the “wrath of God” role in this story and crushed the mommy and baby mice as they scattered from the tent when Havala and Quinn tried to roll it up.  Havala took it a little hard, but we all agree Quinn’s quick reaction was for the best will all the rodents we have around here. That was a fun Havala story for this week!

Hyrum had a busy day, which was kind of indicative of his life lately: he woke up and went with Quinn to work out at the gym while the girls were in seminary in Athens. He came back, took care of the animals, grabbed a quick breakfast (cinnamon rolls…I’m so nice) and then participated in devotional.  He headed out to drive comps for Quinn, came back and got some some schooling in, then headed next door to finish up Opama’s lawn to get it ready for them to be home.  He jetted out around 2:30 pm, using the motorcycle to drop Piper off at track practice (where she ran 6 miles and enjoyed it, crazy girl).  He headed straight to a fun activity Lance had planned for a bunch of his friends, hiking to Moonbridge (or something like that).  When he arrived home around 6:30 pm, he immediately crashed on the couch, where he slept all night.

As for Piper, she loves the challenge CC is providing. It is a good fit for her this year.  Here is a paper of hers that is worth putting directly in my journal (that “putin” autocorrect happened again!!!!). It has real symbolic meaning, not to mention just being incredibly well written.

Contentment

Christian stumbled to the ground; the rocks biting into his side. Glaring down at him, as though he had committed some unforgivable deed, was the sun in all her glory. Christian cast his eyes about the sprawling landscape, searching for a source of relief in the thick heat. The absence of any other life form was undeniable, testifying of the ferocity of the elements. The terrain was an inky black, a sharp contrast to the sun’s blinding robes. It was as though the night sky had fallen to the ground, and left the day to rule the heavens.

Knowing that to stay here would prove fatal, Christian staggered to his feet, moving toward the ever-distant destination. His burden seemed to grow larger with every step away from home, but he went on. It wasn’t long before Christian fell into a trance of pain. His throat was parched, his feet were bloody, and his eyes were stinging with sweat. All he could think of was the heat that consumed his entire body. Water was now only a shadow from the past.

“Howdy there, young man.” 

A strange voice jerked him sharply from his unpleasant revere. The figure before him was seated on a white horse and had an outlandish hat on his head. The person dismounted and walked up to Christian, sticking out a calloused hand. Now that he was closer, Christian could make out more of the man’s features. The man had a scar that he wore pleasantly on his brow and an absurd smile that was out of place in its infernal surroundings. On his feet, he wore boots that seemed to skip despite the black earth around them.

“Na’ tell me why yahou’ face is so blue in this heres pleasant valley.”

Christian felt no need to respond, seeing as the answer was branded on everything around them. He shook the man’s outstretched hand, then started walking past him, trying not to think of the miles ahead. But the man turned and ambled alongside him, drawling on.

“My name is Contentment an’ I think I kin fix you up a bit. Yo’ jus’ be needin a bit o’ joy. Now I found tha’ the map ta ‘appiness is in attitude. Na madder where yar, you kin find whatever you looken fer. Jus look fer what you got.”

Seeing the confused look on Christian’s face, he paused and gestured to the burden bound to Christian’s back.

“Yo’ see dat monster of a load ye got there? It wouldn’ be nearly as burdensome if ya wanted it. Makes natural sense, yae see. If ya wanna go somewheres, you gotta move or work or suffer ta git dar, but if ya wanna stay where ya are then you’ve already ‘complished it! No need to spend any whatsoever thing.”

Understanding dawned on Christian as Contentment finished explaining his creed. It then occurred to him that the man seemed to talk with increasing desperation under his cool facade. It was as though he was trying to convince himself that he wanted what he had and he had what he wanted. Contentment continued, every word now striving to defy the monstrous fever dream surroundings that closed in on them.

“This here homely land is a perfect place for livin’. There is sunshine every which way and now I ‘ave you. Wha’ moe kin a fellar want? Notin’ I tell ye. You may as well stay ‘ere as ‘ead off in any oder direction.” 

By then, Contentment was slightly out of breath and stopped to gulp down some of the boiling air. At the same time, Christian saw a fountain of sparkling, clear water ahead and shouted for joy. Contentment started then, seeing what Christian had seen. Contentment surged forward then caught himself. In a moment of consternation, he struggled with himself, his creed against reality. Then, resolved, he started back towards his horse.

“‘Ey, I got what I want. Don’t need notin’ else.”

Christian stared in disbelief at the complacency exhibited by Contentment. The man’s optimism was fatally mixed with inaction and devoid of hope. But Christian’s astonishment was nothing compared to his exuberant thrust, and he soon found himself making his way towards the fountain with renewed energy. After a short walk and a large drink of liquid life, Christian rested and considered the double-edged sword of contentment and the importance of endeavor.

Hyrum might get his mission call today!  How exciting.

I’ve figured out that I can listen to my scriptures in the morning and fold laundry at the same time, getting my laundry folded. It is nice.

I am looking forward to making some home-made buns for our chicken sandwiches tonight!   I am going to take the kids to the skate park and library today!! I am actually excited!  I might even try to use some rollerblades while I’m there. I am toying with taking the dogs along.  There is a dog park where they could run around at.  They would just have to sit in crates until we got back.

Speaking of putting animals in the car, wow! Did I have an adventure last weekend!!!!

We were given a cat named Xavia shortly after we moved here.  She didn’t like the rough treatment given to her by our dogs, so took off.  Over a year later, we discovered she had been found by our neighbor (just about a month before that) but she wouldn’t have anything to do with us.  She had kittens earlier this year and THAT is no good. I didn’t want to be responsible for a rampant wild cat population!! Yikes!!

So, I did my civic duty, signed them all up for getting fixed with a cheap clinic (that schedules out 6 months!), and prayed and prayed that we could get them. It was a miracle: two cat bites, one gone rogue and come back, and three scratches later they were all in crates or cages.  When I got to the clinic Saturday morning, I found out that because they wouldn’t be handled, I needed to move the ones not in cages (three of them) into cages that the clinic blessedly provided.  I got on my gloves, they locked me in the bathroom, and the fight was on. I felt like I was in the gladiator arena!  At one point, I had my two hands desperately grasping an out of control wild cat while a sweet assistant tried to follow my garbled directions to open the trap so I could drop it in, literally.  I was shaking like crazy when it was all done! Fortunately they had actual “feral cat gloves” that they let me use that were super thick and went all the way up to my elbow.  One of the cats sunk their teeth into the gloves several times, and I felt it on my skin so sharply I thought it had punctured all the way through, but nope!  Thankfully not.

I got to move them back to their crates after they were operated on and sedated, so not as bad but still! So glad that is over and I’ll never have to handle them AGAIN.

OH, another funny thing. I put together and donated a raffle basket (for the CC yard sale benefit) that was pretty expensive so I put in about $20 worth of raffle tickets (40 tickets total, easily about half of the tickets).  And guess who….didn’t win??? Yup. I told them there that it would be true to my luck to not win anything and yup! I didn’t.  But it was a good cause, so I wasn’t worried or upset.

Penelope's sorting, busy weekend and pain

 Last night, Penelope was quite the sorter.  First she distributes, then she gathers.  Clothes, cards, books,...it kept her entertained for hours last night.  Loved it!

We had the missionaries over for dinner because it was one of the elders last nights, potentially, because transfers are coming up.  We had chicken enchiladas, salad, watermelon and corn with a WHOLE bunch of ice cream for dessert. (We bought 14 containers of FUN.)  Toppings–marshmallows, oreos, York peppermint patties, fudge, caramel and even cake batter…we had a lot.  Oh, and we cooked up a cake because you can’t make cake batter without making cake, right?

It was Elder Lind and he asks great questions and loves discussing things so I had a great time.  Elder Robertson (Solomon, his name is…love it!) had a great time doing the Rubik’s cube with Hyrum.  Quinn was prompt in reminding us all that the Rubik’s cube originated from a Hungarian scientist.  Love that man!

We had a busy weekend.  Piper had a track meet Saturday morning.  She felt like she was flying around the first two miles but then her blood sugar dropped or something and she started getting woozy.  She paused in her running at times, started “talking” to the crowd out loud, and stumbled across the finish line. She worried her coaches and we’re going to try and help her stay stocked up with nutrients for next time.  She is really loving it!  She is one of two on her team.

While she was gone, we spent the mornings saying goodbye to some old friends who stopped by, the Georgias. Xai insists that we must be cousins because we get along so well.  We hope they will come back and visit us again, because our families fit together so well.  It was great to see Elijah and Xai just rough and tumble with boys all weekend and even Liesl and Penelope had little girl friends!  After they left, we started super cleaning the house and Quinn finished selecting a car to purchase, after Hyrum accidentally totalled our other car.

We drove up to Columbus, picking Piper up along the way.  Once there, we dropped Quinn off at the dealership while we visited the zoo.  One of the animals was out and we got to watch it walk right by us…the largest rodent, from South America (can’t remember the name).   Anyway, the kids loved watching the seals and petting the sting rays,  Well, Xai didn’t do the latter because he was very nervous about getting stung, but even Penelope had fun feeling the soft surface of the rays.  

We headed back to see the car on the way home, leaving a couple kids there, and raced back to Athens to try and catch the pool for a little while to cool down before it closed.  The kids were super sad (and I was a little sad) that we missed most of the pool time but I want to go back next weekend for the last day and really make a day of it!  We are going to work it in between cutting wood for our winter supply, which will occupy much of our available time this weekend.  

We picked up some groceries on the way home, did the animals, got the kids to bed and did scriptures and then watched a movie until probably too late, while Quinn worked up a quick appraisal to get ahead for Monday.  We got up around 6 am Sunday morning to get ready to head to the youth session of Stake Conference, which is about an hour and a half away.  We threw in a bunch of food just in case and managed to survive, lol.  Conference was cool, with the highlight for me being when the youth of the stake sang the “Armies of Helaman/Sisters in Zion” medley. It was cool.  We did our usual crazy in the side rooms where they have the event being broadcast, but I think we will stay in the main room next time. We had kids lounging all over the floor and even one of the older kids wanted to lay down across the chairs before I suggested they probably shouldn’t.  We were all super tired.

Anyway, in the midst of last weekend, I had a good therapy session, meaning super deep and intense and hard.  I’m trying to learn to trust my heart, trust that Christ’s atonement truly is sufficient, and to accept the pain and ugly of this existence that I must without demanding it be different.  Pain is a part of life, but we suffer when we don’t acknowledge that pain…again, demanding it be different by dwelling on all the things we wish we could do to change it or fix it.  “Life is pain, Highness.  Anyone who tells you differently is selling you something.”

Christ is there to bear our burdens. I just don’t really know how to let Him help me bear the pain: the pain of disappointing others, the pain of things not being orderly, the pain of loss, the pain of betrayal, the pain of disappointing myself, the pain I feel when I know I have caused pain in others by action or inaction. I know He joyously yearns to help us. I just don’t know how to let Him in to help my aching heart.

My therapist says it’s part of experiencing trauma…that it’s like being a veteran from a war coming back without a leg.  I have to adapt to what I can do and what the “new” normal is, without losing myself in the managing/coping behaviors I imposed on myself to survive.  Accept the pain without demanding it be different.  Accept that this broken and fallen world is indeed the best place for me to live and learn and grow to understand God’s plan and become more like Him.

Sweet Pea sorting

Zoo

Havala and Piper helping last weekend with the Helping Hands down in Kentucky

Yes, sometimes we actually do schooling around here...

Precious moment....