Oozing Love as a Sleep Cure?

 Yup. There the "siren" went again.

After writing and posting something on my Lazarus blog this morning about Penelope's recent sleep miracle, my Penelope started wailing. 5:23 am. She did give me from 10:30-3:00...ish. But I fell asleep while snuggling between Elijah and Liesl in Lily's bed during Quinn's nighttime reading so I got a nap from 9 to 10:30 :D. Sleep. It's over-rated.

Liesl and Eli are doing better at sleeping at night and not having accidents. I kind of had what I think is an epiphany about their sleep habits that might be worth recording.

A few weeks ago...or maybe a month...I was lying awake in-between times Penelope woke me up during the night. As I lay there, I heard her do a sad little sob. It wasn't the typical “I need!” outburst. It felt like a deep emotional sorrow uncharacteristic of one so little. It puzzled me and I started pondering on what would make a tiny soul, “so fresh from God” as Dickens put it, mourn with such gravity.

I felt like the Spirit whispered an impression to me of the many sleepless nights when I was basically going crazy with her. While she was never in any physical danger—or really any kind of danger—I was extemely off balance sometimes and even as I held her in my arms oh so gently, my soul raged. My friend told me once that if you sleep deprive animals that they become similar to rabid animals and I felt it during some of those months. Fortunately I had the humanity to recognize it and be moderate in how I handled my children for the most part, but they could tell that my sanity within was kind of wacky. As could I.

During one of those times, I remember holding Penelope on top of my tummy. It was about 2 am and she was happily awake, gabbing and chatting in her baby language.

And I was done. I remember her looking at me and smiling. Me glaring back at her with so much negative emotion and her cocking her head and looking puzzled at me. And smiling again.

I didn't think much of it until that night when I heard her sob.

What if all those extreme negative emotions leaked out and she felt them? How could she not! But what if she internalized them at a “conditioned” level?

It make me reflect on those years before...I've never been a very internally calm parent at night. I'm much more a morning person. I'm actually much more a “sleep through the night” kind of person, come to think of it, lol. However, my last few children, I've noticed, are particularly sensitive. In fact, it seems that they are either coming more and more sensitive or I am just noticing it more or more...but that is neither here nor there. :D

So what if Penelope has “night time” associated with all those negative vibes that I was experiencing? What if that was part of her struggle to feel peace while she slept? And what if that is also why Elijah and Liesl struggle to a degree sleeping alone?

My dear sister Jackie (technically “in-law” but in my heart “sister”) once quoted Gordon B. Hinckley as saying that every parent does things to their children that their children should get therapy for later. God knows that there are no perfect parents on this earth and somehow it is still part of His perfect plan to send children down to them. So, having internalized this truth, I am a little over beating myself up over it. I need to repent, change and try to fix what I can and know that God—who loves these little ones more than I can comprehend—has sent His Son to atone and compensate for and heal all those wrongs. I can't change the past and beating myself up for it changes nothing for the better and just limits my ability to change and do what I can do.

So with this truth in mind, I thought, “I wonder if I exude love and all those warm, fuzzy feeling emotions to Penelope when she wakes up, if that will help? And maybe doing the same with my other two little ones when they go to sleep at night will help heal them as well?”

One of the million beautiful things about God is that sometimes He lets us be a part of the healing process :D. Over the past month I have seen her night time outbursts lessen and felt her drift off to sleep peacefully as I ooze as much love and adoration into my emotions as I can as I snuggle with her. Super cool.